Charity Shop Album #1: Spin by Darren Hayes

This could be the gem of the year. Whether you like it or not.

Left: Spin by Darren Hayes. Right: me and my inner child.

I got a CD player 2 weeks ago. I bedazzled it, of course.

This purchase was spurred on by a desire to listen to music differently, and it’s really had an effect on me. I go home and put an album on. I go to bed and put an album on. I wake up and put an album on. I’m way more intentional with what I listen to and how I listen. (ps this is your periodical reminder to quit spotify).

Anyhoo! Another fun thing about CD players is that CDs are very cheap secondhand. Which means you can buy lots of albums from the good old days, and by that I mean the 1990s & the 2000s. My personal ‘good old days’.

I wanted to introduce a newsletter segment where I go through a charity shop album track by track, and BOY do I have a doozy for a first album for you.

Remember Savage Garden? “I wanna stand with you on a mountain, I wanna bathe with you in the seaaaa.” Well, after the band broke up the lead singer went solo. Didn’t have a hot career but I DO have very strong memories of his song ‘Insatiable’ on music TV in 2002.

Spin was Darren Hayes’ first solo album after the band’s split in 2001. Let’s get in to it, track by track.

CD courtesy of Marie Curie Finsbury Park.

Track 1: Strange Relationship

Do you love me? Or am I just another trip in this strange relationship? The theme of this album is darkness. Romance. Possession. L’amour. And this song does a good job on the exposition of these themes, lyrically and musically. By the end we get church organs and strings coming in, really hammering home the EPIC high STAKES of this relationship! It is STRANGE!!!

Something you learn really early on in the album is that Darren loves an outro. Once we hit the final chorus, he then hangs around for like another minute whilst the beat breaks down, builds back up, pops out to the shop for a carton of milk and makes itself comfy on the sofa. I’m not complaining. I do kinda love when songs just keep jamming out after it’s clearly over. The funny thing is that, this happens in literally every song. Only two songs come underneath the five minute mark, but only by about ten seconds. The LONGEST SONG on this album is ‘Like It Or Not’, which I will get into later.

Outro Rating: 6/10.

Track 2: Insatiable

Okay, this is my JAM and I have very vivid memories of this song being played on music TV.

‘Insatiable’ is a song is about SEX. Spoiler: many songs in this album are about SEX. Because, this is music for ADULTS.

The best part of this song is, after all his singing about the INSATIABLE LOVEMAKING he has been doing with this partner, he then confesses in the middle eight that they never sleep because… they are “always holding hands.”

Girl. Be so for real right now.

I love the haaoooooouuuwwwww-hhaaaooooowwww-hwwaaaooooouuuwww vocal refrain. Another high stakes banger. In the music video he stands behind a projector in a suit whilst a film reel flickers. Retain this image in your head because the movie reference comes back later in this album.

unrelated: how is this GIF so long? how can GIFs be this long?

Outro points: Actually quite a reserved outro. Tasteful, I would say. We get some spacey synths on the end which I really like and add a spacey, curious texture to the end of the song. I think because this was the big radio hit he had to dial back the length of the outro a bit. 8/10.

Track 3: Heart Attack

If Darren Hayes wanted a lyrical centerpiece for his album, this track is not it. There is a lot of ‘heart attack!’ being rhymed with ‘heart is black!’ and ‘stabbed me in the back!’ Fat squelchy synths punctuate a wordy tirade aimed at someone who most likely effed over Darren in the music industry. This is a song to sing whilst pointing aggressively a lot. I imagine this track is probably how Taylor Swift’s music sounds to non-Swifties.

Lyrical note: in the middle eight, a metaphorical airplane is crashing and smashing. Poetree.

Outro points: This outro kind of gives up a bit, sounds like the producer just got free rein and was making a fun beat for himself and then tacked it on to the end of this song. 4/10.

Track 4: I Miss You

Time for schmaltz! Darren is so blue because he misses his woman, who is right next to him. This song is like ‘Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing’ but he’s one-upped Steven Tyler because Darren misses her even when SHE’S asleep next to him. Codependency no more? More like codependency yes more! The TikTok pseudo-therapist teens would have a field day.

Outro Rating: 4/10 honestly this song is so boring it’s a shame it keeps going on for another whole minute. There’s no funky breakdown or change in structure, it’s the same sequence being looped over and over until whilst D-man vocalises. Fades out one instrument at a time. Clocking in at 5 minutes 31 seconds, this is the longest track on the album so far, BUT HOLD ON, THEY’RE GOING TO GET LONGER!!!

Track 5: Creepin’ Up On You

Add this to the ‘Excellent Songs About Stalking’ playlist that someone has to make at some point. This one has quite a vampy jaunt to it which really gives the feeling of, well, creepin. This song got me hunchin’ my back like a Scooby-Doo villain! The wildest confession in this song is the narrator has drunk from a discarded glass that their crush has left on the bar. Now THAT’S What I Call Creepin!

Outro rating: 7/10. We finish the final chorus and continue the vampy strings refrain. I do like this one because he really gets in to the character. You can tell by the end he’s getting a bit desperate and angry, which is what I would imagine someone who is drinking people’s leftovers in a bar would feel. There’s a lot of gritted teeth in these final outbursts. Love you! Touch you! Be with you!

Track 6: Dirty

Okay, another song about sex. Starts with some “ooh”s and an “ah ah ah!” and then an “awww YEAAAH” so we all understand the assignment.

I’m just gonna leave these lyrics here:

You make me want to
Pop pa pop pop pop pop!
Back into the movie inside my brain!
I never want to
Stop sta stop stop stop stop!
Oh! Could ya do that again?
You make me want to
Bam ba bam bam bam bam!
Shut the blinds, baby, let the door slam!

The very best line in this song is, this could be the gem of the year, which is something nobody has ever said about sex, ever. Referencing the above lyrics, Darren has a movie inside his brain. And so, the gem of the year line is like an appraisal from the movie critics? Also inside his brain?

Outro rating: WE HAVE A FAKE-OUT! The song abruptly ends, we hear Darren say ‘sorry’ and then there’s a little video-game music at the end which is a bit chiptuney. I’ll give it points for originality. 6/10.

Track 7: Crush

This song currently has a vice-like grip on my brain. We begin with the a mush of autotuned vocodery lyrics which YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND because they’re all overlapping each other:

Frosted lipstick, parachute pants
Doc Martens, Dead Can Dance
Culture Club, The Go Go's
Pretty In Pink, PacMan, Asteroids
Miami Vice, too early for Vanilla Ice

When you then go to look up the lyrics you realize Darren is just talking about… the eighties? Also, he really couldn’t think of anything else from the eighties so he just said “too early for Vanilla Ice?” Coulda thrown in a “too late for Henry the Eighth” in there too for good measure.

After this unintelligble nostalgia word-salad we get to the best part of this song which is the chorus:

Got a little crush! Ooh I just can’t get enough of this touch! Such a rush! Owwwowwwowww!

The first line is almost like one word: GOTTALITTLECRUSH! You have to say it like that to be like Darren Hayes.

Also here’s the bridge, presented without comment:

I wish that I could be eleven again
That ET was my friend
You know that life was so simple then
Times have changed
Never be the same
The memory remains
And the melodies inside my heart

Outro Rating: This one is good because we hear a countermelody where he sings Welcome to 1980-me! which I’m guessing is a play on 1983? It’s giving “you’re so two-thousand and late” a la Fergie Black-Eyed Peas. I’m giving it a 7/10.

Track 8: Good Enough

This is the SECOND LONGEST SONG on the album. And boy, it’s really a mess of lyrics. If you thought nineteen-eighty-me was bad, well. Darren does end up mentioning Spielberg again in this song, and how he likes Spielberg movies. So we have to assume that he really does wish E.T. was his friend.

In ‘Good Enough,’ Darren worries about whether he’s good enough for his romantic partner. Growing up he didn’t have many clothes, but it was okay because there were always ‘shoes on my toes,’ so he says.

The final verse:

If I lost my job

And my hair fell out

If I made no sense

And I scream and shout

Would you laugh at me?

No. Because you know who else was hairless, had no job and screamed?

Personally I don’t wish he was my friend because I hated E.T. as a child

Outro rating: We get a key change in the final chorus before resorting back to the initial intro loop. We then strip it back with a dirty bassline that interjects over a bongo-type breakdown. Strings come in. Darren hits the HIGH NOTES in little outbursts here and it’s very neck-bouncing music. He does these little “hoo-hoo” things which I enjoy. 7/10.

Track 9: I Can’t Ever Get Enough Of You

Another boring schmaltzy tune! He can’t ever get enough of you! Guess what? I’ve gotten enough of this song! Doh ho ho ho!

this is who i am channeling

It’s very heartbeats and rainbows and the wind calling your name. You’ve lost me here a bit, D. Honestly, I think Darren’s talents are better used when singing about making love, drinking out of abandoned glassware, or E.T.

Beautiful pre-chorus though. The melody rises and falls in a yearning way. All bridges need to yearn. I really do like it. But then we get to the chorus and it goes “I can see the sun and I can feel the rain” and you’ve lost me. I don’t dabble in these basic nature-related metaphors, man. Give me something deeper! Give me GEOLOGY!!! OR DEATH!!!

Outro Rating: 1/10. SNOOZEFEST! END IT ALREADY!

Track 10: Like it Or Not

My boyfriend first heard this song playing in a charity shop and had to stop what he was doing because he did not believe the chorus:

Everything I am has been neatly contained into the
Contents of a Samsonite bag
Me a laptop two suitcases and I'm coming to see you
Whether you like it or not

Shout out to Samsonite bags, they really get the job done. I have had my Samsonite bag for decades and it has neatly contained everything I am on multiple occasions. Back in 2002 brand deals probably didn’t exist in the same way that they do now, but I really hope that if he was ever to make a music video for this song it would feature a partnership with Samsonite. Because he says ‘Samsonite bag’ 4 times in this song.

samsonite bag.

Also, we just have to shine a spotlight on this line:

Thought I tripped on a shoelace
I look down and it's only you

Why are they on the ground? Why did Darren mistake them for a shoelace? Are they a worm? Is Darren dating a worm?

Outro Rating: LONGEST OUTRO. This song clocks in at a hearty six minutes and twenty seconds. For such a long outro, we don’t really get anything different at this point. We get a bit more of ‘I’m coming to see you, whether you like it or not,’ which by this point in the album is exactly the kind of attitude we’d expect from a man who has already drunk from a glass that you left at the bar. 6/10.

Track 11: What You Like

I genuinely like this song, like, a lot? Some would say I’ve GOTTALITTLECRUSH on this song! Darren has left the world of Samsonite bags and is back on familiar territory with a song about sex. Although the first line is “I want to thank you my friend” and he keeps referring to the person as “my friend.” It would probably put you off a bit if someone rolled over in a post-coital haze and sighed, “I want to thank you my friend.” But what’s worse, that or “this could be the gem of the year?”

What I really like about this song is the fast-paced beat and the emotive piano arpeggios that underpin the whole song. It’s dark and earnest at the same time, which is a favourite musical combo of mine. I really like this song musicallyyy!!!!

Outro: We don’t even know that it’s the end of the song because this outro just happens SEAMLESSLY from the final chorus. We get some really high “hoo-hoos” from Darren. Then we get a BREAK DOWN. Some finger-picked electric guitar and these shiny discs of sound that reflect in the background. It’s cool, man. Hah. It’S COOL MAN! Oh god, what has my life become. Just imagine me sitting in a dark room with a bejewelled CD player listening to this 2002 adult contemporary album in my pyjamas being like, “it’s COOL, MAN!” Help me. 9/10.

Track 12: Spin

In ‘Spin’, D-man hits us hard with some big issues: facism, AIDS, gun control, global warfare. But each chorus brings us back to the fact that music makes us feel good! DJ play that sawng!

I would ask Darren to write us a version for 2025 but I highly doubt he’s got the lyrical nuance. Case and point, we have:

No money left in Africa, Starving to death in Bosnia

shortly followed up by:

Dancin’ like a booty never bounced before!

Outro Rating: I honestly clocked out mentally by this point. We have heard so many outros now that they all merge into one big vocal acrobatics fest. For this outro, I am going to assume it was pretty samey as the rest of the song. 5/10.

BONUS TRACKS!

My compact disc says it’s ‘enhanced’ which means there are 3 secret songs on it but I have no idea how to access them. I might get a hammer and try smashing the disc to see if the songs are inside, Easter Egg style. I will get back to you on this.

Until next time, CD bebies.

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